Married to my beautiful wife for ten years and only twice have I ever used public transport, a few really bad panic attacks while riding the local transport system had put me off for life. I know they say you must conquer your fear to get rid of these attacks but they were so bad I just didn't wanna risk it, and over time the fear of having one while on a bus or train again grew deeper and deeper so I just avoided them. In everyday life there was no other problems, I mean I was able to function as good as any other and I drove which was probably the weirdest thing.
Our 10th year wedding anniversary was coming up, she always loved the idea of a rail trip, sort of an inter-rail idea. Me being me always felt disappointed that I could not give her that so for our special day coming up I decided that this was the day I am gonna face my fear because the love I have for my wife outweighs the fear of a panic attack. So I went ahead and booked it and a week before our anniversary I surprised her with the idea, she was over the moon, absolutely delighted. The smile that morning on her face I still see now whenever I close my eyes.
The morning of our trip I was starting to feel my thoughts getting out of control, racing towards the worst outcome but I would bring them back by looking at my wife and how happy she was. As we boarded she clenched my hand, she knew not to talk about it and this was her way of saying that she is here for me. I was surprisingly alright as we got our seats at the very back, I hated the idea of people sitting behind me and also it was much more quiet down there. When it took off I started to feel a little shaky, nothing as extreme as I imagined but still I knew I was stuck here for a few hours at least and that idea actually disturbed me, but on we went.
Two hours in, I wasn't feeling so great but didn't want my wife to know. I found out that we had a short stop in forty minutes and that was of some relief to me, I could walk around and refresh my thoughts. We reminisced about the good times we had and the first time we met thirteen years ago at a cafe after I turned around, bumped into her, and spilled my decaffeinated coffee all over her work shirt. We laughed about it on the train the exact same way we did when it happened all those years ago, that's what made us special nothing ever changed.
OK first stop was here and we got out to stretch our legs and also take a look at some old castle walls that was a landmark for this area. The dizziness I was feeling on the train was starting to lessen as I took in the fresh air and held my wife close, trying to "enjoy the moment" whatever that meant. The time came to board again and I was feeling alright about that, it was dawning on me how silly I was being over the last few years and that I let this fear control me for so long.
I don't really remember the next half an hour, all I recall is that I felt something that I didn't in a long time - peace of mind. I remember going to the bathroom and when I came back my wife was lying there breathless, I asked for help fast but nobody could do anything. She was gone, dead, and I have no idea what happened. I lost my wife and developed an even further fear of public transport.
This is the truth officer I swear......
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